Motherhood, and my perceptions

AH, welcome to my inner most thoughts... its late Sunday night and as always I am reflecting on life.

Do you ever wonder what others think about you, or what another couple or family has struggles with? I do that on occasion, I wonder if the appearance of my outward life makes other people feel jealous, or lucky, or whatever. I know that everyone has their struggles and I also know its really hard not to judge someone on what you perceive their life to be. I'd be the first to tell you that I don't have the perfect life, everything doesn't always want to go my way and maybe that's a good thing.. I guess time will tell. I'm not going to list my demons, I have this irrational fear that those who pretend to be my friends would somehow be able to chalk up a point on their score board because I am struggling. Its like a balancing act, I have so much good and so many blessings but yet I see so many things I fail at and need improvement on. And that's my day, a combination of good and bad, sometimes good prevails and I go to bed thinking today was great and sometimes it doesn't.

 Often at night I think of my kids, how much I love them, how fast their growing, how much I wish I would do with them but never do. Growing up I pictured being a mom and raising a family a totally different way than what my experience has been. I thought my mom was a crazy neat freak, I hated that a clean house was the only thing I could imagine that was on her mind. I grew up wondering if she ever was interested in me, she was always so busy... with kids, with friends, with work, with cleaning the house. Now that I'm older I know that she does listen and she is a good sounding board when I need it. I swore I would not be so obsessed with a clean house like she was, that I would do those things with my kids that she had no interest in doing with us. Now to be completely honest my house isn't nearly as clean... ever... as hers was and is, but its on my mind constantly... I'm a super crazy person with one final goal in mind, then I can move on to more fun things (its never done folks). ITS NEVER DONE, there will always be something lying on the floor ready for my army crawling 6 month old to ingest. The sink fills itself up within an hour of being cleaned out. The laundry multiplies and replenishes the earth at staggering speeds, and toys walk themselves all over the whole house waiting to be stepped on to throw the whole day off balance. By four pm I'm spent, the kids have found their second wind, and the baby neither wants to nap or be set down. After an early bed time when kids don't really go to bed until the 7th or 8th time you've turned out the lights and sent them back to bed, 10 pm hits and I think man I wish I would have done something fun and interactive with the kids today. Really listened close to what they were saying, taught them something interesting or told them a cool story. But I didn't, I was too worried about the bites of food they didn't take, the crumbs they tracked everywhere, the valentines papers on the ground, and how quiet the house was so the baby would sleep.

Motherhood never looked so good right? I know the solutions to my problems, I know it requires me to let go of endless (unimportant) tasks and I pray to be the better mom that I imagine lives everywhere but at this house. Ugh its tuff being a mom. Tomorrow I'll try again.